The winter break for people who are going back to school isn’t even over and I’m already maddening uncomfortable and restless. I’m not going back. I am done with undergrad. I was convinced I needed time off. All I want now is something big to do. Someone to assign something to me. I feel fucking pointless. Useless. Like I’ve already started wasting away. I am lost and listless and losing so many ties I’ve counted on consciously and unconsciously all this time. No school. No assignments. No guidance. No hoops to jump through (I am so well trained I crave them even now). Worse. She’s leaving the country. He could up and leave so abruptly. Honestly, I don’t have much else. I want just go. Leave first. If I leave I cannot feel abandoned. A sparse loft apartment, my cat, and a job to scrape by for now. Enough? Then what?

I like academia. Perhaps I even miss it already. There’s a 3-year PhD in Chicago. Unexpectedly appealing. How can I pay for school? Again? Am I even a competitor for that kind of candidacy? With graduate department deadlines a thing already past for next year I won’t even have a chance to enter until Fall 2013. All that time stretches out, naked and barren, until then.

What the hell am I going to do?

Why am I already looking at schools?  Do I want a professorship more than I even realized? I feel like my obscured mind may have been made up for me quite a while ago.

I just don’t know what is going on anymore. Shaking and hungry, I’m doing everything I can find to do, which seems uneasily like nothing.